Friday april 16, 2010

Wow it's been a crazy last few days. My birthday didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. now i'm sitting on the couch of a family that i'm babysitting for later. I can't sleep, and don't really want to sleep. Things seem to be worse in my dreams lately. I've been having really weird and scary dreams! I don't know why or what is causing all these bad dreams. I just want to curl up in a ball and be happy. I want to crawl under a rock so that I can be happy. I'm not happy @ all.
We don't talk at all. I understand that your not used to having a girlfriend but still. things should be a little different. I don't know what else to say. I'm not to sure what I want @ all right now. I'm scared and very fragile. I don't want to get hurt or to hurt you. I just don't know if it's the right time for me to be in a relationship right now. I feel like things aren't going the way either of us wanted. I don't know what I want. I care for you deeply and I hope that you care for me like I do for you. but if you don't that's fine. I want to be with you but I can't right now. I'm sorry. *hugs* please understand that I'm not running from you I'm running b/c I"m scared. I don't want to be scared any more. and i'm tied of hurting. there's a void that i need filled and i don't know who or what can fill that void. drinking seems to fill it but I can't rely on that. and I wont!!! I vow to you now that i'm not going to do something stupid but I can't promise that right now I will be happy or wanting to talk about anything. so please just give me sometime. that's all I ask.
Please forgive me. I hope that later we can be together... Thanks for everything this last month! you are awesome! if you don't understand what's goin on in my head please tell me and i'll try to explain. but i'm going to go before I start crying even more. I don't want to do this to you but I need to. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Love ya,
Emily